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The Road Back To God: A Detour I NEVER Saw Coming

Updated: Mar 19, 2021

When I was young, my mother would take my sisters and me to church on Christmas morning, and Easter Sunday. We hated it. My younger sister had special needs so I don't think it mattered much to her, by my older sister and I would I laugh and fool around the entire time. We would snicker and laugh at all the corny songs, and do anything but pay attention. I don't know what it was about that Catholic church ceremony, but I knew, even at a young age, that it just didn't resonate with me. I would see other kids my age singing along and replying with the appropriate responses, and I could tell- they were genuinely happy doing it. It was part of them.

But me? I felt like I was being forced to participate in a cult ceremony. Stand now, sit now, kneel now, repeat these words back to me in unison, drink this blood... Something about it made the hair on my arms stand up, and so, giggling over it was the only thing I could think to do to make myself feel more comfortable.

It wasn't much better at temple. The holiday services were so long, and my Dad didn't attend on a weekly basis so he never felt right sitting up front on the cushioned benches. So, it was 2 1/2 hours in the back on folding chairs for us. Though the Jewish faith seemed to offer more in the way of tales-disguised-as-life-lessons (which I always appreciated), I came out of these 4 painful days each year reaffirming the same conclusion:

Neither of these feel right, so I guess that means I just don't believe in God.

As a mixed religion household, my parents taught us the basics-- The Lord's Prayer, the general 'who's who,' the stories they thought we should know-- but we were pretty much raised on the golden rule: treat others the way you wish to be treated. I'm so grateful for that, because I got to formulate my own opinion about it all.

Pretty early on, I was firm in my belief that the power was with the individual. 'Don't pray to an invisible God for a job,' I thought, 'go search on!' You know what I mean? Go get dressed, walk yourself into a Starbucks, and ask if they are hiring.

I just didn't understand this notion of an old man in the sky with a beard and a staff who was somehow pulling all the strings.

I taught dance at a Catholic school for 9 years (ironic, I know), and we would have these faculty meetings where the principal would wax poetic about how we were shaping these kids to be incredible examples and contributors to the world when they left us, and just when I would be practically tearing up because I was so motivated, he would end with something like, 'in Jesus's name.' And I would always think, 'Ya know, dammit, now you lost me.'

I mean no disrespect of course, and obviously I wouldn't expect anything different from a Catholic school. It wasn't them, it was me. It was my thing to work out. I would always giggle to myself and think,

Why ya gotta bring up Jesus right now? What does he have to do with it? Can't I be a good teacher and mentor to these kids just by being myself? Can't I instill in them the importance of maturity, punctuality, respect, leadership, artistry, confidence, without involving Christ? Can't they grow up to be good and decent members of society without the influence of a religious figure?

While I still think yes, they absolutely can, I have a different perspective now than I did then.

I remember a close friend of mine was attending Overeaters Anonymous, and she was having a hard time with the very first step in the program- surrendering to a higher power. I told her to do what she felt comfortable with, but asked her, at the end of the day, wasn't SHE the one walking in her shoes? Wasn't SHE the one making her own decisions? Wasn't SHE the one who had to get through this challenging time by going to meetings, getting the help she needed, doing what her nutritionist laid out for her? Wasn't SHE the one who had to choose not to binge any more when she was anxious? Who was driving her to the store to stock up on (what she described as) junk food-- God? Allah? Who outside of her was forcing her to over eat, exactly?

I was very much of the belief that we were the ones down here living our lives every day. That it's us who choose whether or not to get out of bed in the morning.

I had resigned myself to the fact that I was one of those people who checked the box that said "spiritual but not religious," but what that really meant was, God, and anything similar couldn't have existed less in my life.

The fact that every religion seemed to think theirs was the 'true' one, just proved to me that it didn't make sense to box myself in. I figured, hey, live and let live; you believe what you want, that guy over there will believe what he wants, I'll believe none of it, and let's all just be good people, right?

I believed in what I would describe as more 'grounded' concepts, you could say. Working hard for what you want, taking personal responsibility for your actions, getting up when you get knocked down, and the power of positivity.

As I got older, things shifted, as they do. I opened up more to Mother Nature, and the stars, and the energy that connects us all. I reveled in the power of the mind, and going within. I definitely believed there were things that logic couldn't explain, and that the world of spirit was VERY real. But a guy who died long ago as the highest of high? A man on a throne in the clouds?


And then.....

2020 came, like the cyclone that it was, in all its glory, sending us all into a new reality, whether we were ready for it or not.

Among the other gifts this year brought me (read about a big one here), this is by far the grandest and most treasured of them all.

I can't believe I'm saying it, but God somehow burrowed His way into my heart and now flows through every inch of my body.

Well, I should follow that up and say, I understand now that He was always there. Of course He was. Because I am an extension of Him. I am made of the same particles that make Him. I was once a thought of His, and now I exist in this time space reality, but still energetically tied to Him, because I came from Him. I am Him, and He is me. He has always existed in me, waiting for me to acknowledge his presence and unlock all that He has to offer.

I don't think I can describe what it's like when that moment happens, and you literally FEEL the presence of God wash over you. If TRUTH had a feeling, that's what it would be. It feels like truth. And LOVE. And PEACE. And SAFETY. And JOY. And BLISS. And MAGIC.

It feels like waking up from a bad dream-- that feeling of RELIEF that it wasn't real. The REMEMBERING that you are safe and loved and OKAY.

My spiritual awakening took 6 years. Not that it ends here, but in a sense I did reach a major destination point. 6 years of self-development and inner work-- books and podcasts and lectures and workshops and breath work and somatic therapy and moon rituals and journaling and healing, all coming into full fruition during the toughest year we've seen in our lifetimes. It all led me to finally accepting the concept of "GOD." The actual word, "God." I used to not even be able to say it; it never rolled off my tongue easily because I associated it with religious constraints and dogmatic principles that didn't align with my heart, and still don't.

But speaking about and to 'the Universe,' eventually, wasn't good enough any more. The universe is where I live, and/but God is who created it. They are not one and the same. The universe doesn't have my back, God has my back. The universal laws that God instilled support me, yes. Gravity supports me. The laws of attraction and karma support me, as whatever energy I put out will be matched. But when I speak now, I speak straight to God. I am awake now to the direct connection to Him and I have to say... IT FEELS FANTASTIC.

I now understand the surrender.

I understand that God has His hands in everything.

I understand that we were never meant to do any of this without His help, and that it's always harder when we try.

I understand that anything good that has ever happened to me has come from God. Who my parents are, my choice of college, my careers, my romantic relationships, my challenges, my friends.

I understand that God is waiting with open arms to be USED. He is waiting to be included, always working in our favor behind the scenes, patiently waiting for us to open the door and let Him in. To ask Him for help. For us to CO-CREATE WITH HIM. This is why we are here. To experience life on Earth in ways that enrich God (and, in turn, us) so that He may continue to express more and more of His divine energy out into the world AND LIVE THROUGH US. We're here to grow and learn and evolve, and every time we meet one of these challenges or milestones, we get guidance from God to our next mission, and our next and our next. It's like collecting gold coin after gold coin. It's a perfect exchange of energy- the most divine and rewarding give and take. Maybe we're meant to date this person, or maybe we're meant to have this fight, or maybe we're meant to help these people. It's all laid out in a brilliant design, and when we surrender and accept God's love and guidance, we move through it all with that much more ease, and that much more peace in our hearts.

God didn't rush me. He knew I would return to the truth, and that I just had to find it in my own way, on my own time.

He let me chip away at it, first through the more general concepts of 'having faith in the unknown,' and 'knowing that everything happens for a reason,' concepts which I now translate to,


When I wake up in the morning, I immediately start writing to God, thanking him for washing over me, thanking him for answering my prayers in ways I can't even wrap my head around. I thank Him for letting me find Him in my own time and way, and I thank Him for giving me the courage to speak about Him- if that's what He wants me to do- without fear of judgement, because I know all too well how people feel about those who make their love for God known. I was one of those people.

But now... I get it.

I GET why you're constantly exploding with thanks and praise for this grand presence in your life! I GET why you'd want to gather with others who feel the same, and share in that love together! I GET why it feels good to shout your appreciation for this truly indescribable entity!

It's like wanting to shout from the rooftops when you're in love!

And this relationship is even greater because God's love is SO pure and SO full, and so lacking-in-conditions, that it's unlike any love that could exist between two people. We humans are inherently flawed (and that's ok!!), but God? God is perfect, and therefore His love for us is P E R F E C T.

The day it happened, the day I accepted the title 'God' into my vocabulary and into my being, I felt as if it was the first day of the rest of my life.

And now, while I still won't be spending my time in any formal religious institutions, wearing a cross around my neck, or studying up on Bible verses, I will live every day as someone who knows that she is a child of God. A term like that used to make my eyes roll so hard I could see the back of my own skull. But now, it's an idea that gives me more comfort than I've ever known in my life. I'm still me. I'm just even more Me, because now I have the light of the highest possible loving entity there is shining within me, helping me walk a little taller.

"When you discover your sacred self, you awaken this dormant inner energy and let it

guide your life. The word most commonly used to describe this inner force is

"spiritual." When I talk about spirituality and being spiritual, I am describing an attitude

toward God and the inner journey of enlightenment. I am speaking of expanding

godlike qualities of love, forgiveness, kindness, and bliss within ourselves. In my

interpretation, spirituality is not dogma or rules. It is light and joy and focuses on the

experience of love and inner bliss, radiating those qualities outward."

-Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, from the book 'Your Sacred Self'

***Note: I choose to use the pronoun "He" when referring to God because that's what feels right to me, and because I think that's what most people can relate to. Though I don't support the patriarchal dominance of recent centuries, I won't sit here and say that I think God is a woman. Though I do sense that God is a 'fatherly' type energy, (just like Mother Nature is a motherly type energy, and the sun is a 'masculine' energy ((sun: 24 hrs, men's hormone cycle: 24 hrs)), and the moon is 'feminine' energy ((moon: 28 days, women's hormone cycle: 28(ish) days)), in my mind, God is genderless and formless; just infinitely powerful energy of the purest light and love, and the highest possible good.

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